Friday, October 24, 2014

What to expect when your BF says "Babe. I'm making you dinner tonight"

What to expect when your BF says "Babe. I'm making you dinner tonight"

Let's set one thing straight. If you're that girl who is saying "My BF says that all the time. He's such an amazing chef! then stop reading bitch, go enjoy your prince charming, and stop bragging. 

Now for the rest of you average girls who traded brains for muscles... What is your man really thinking when he offers to cook you dinner? 

1. If you recently started dating, it means he wants to cook you the only meal he knows how to cook. The one he cooked for all the other sluts to get laid. He's thinking. "If it worked on them it will work on you"

Recommendation: Wait until the meal is over then tell him it made you really gassy and you're probably going to spend the whole morning on the can. If he still wants your kitty after that bombshell, then give it up girl! He's the one!   

Or...

2. If you've been together for a while and he's already tried the one meal he knows trick, then this is the meal in which he gets you drunk enough to bring up a threesome. First he'll test the waters with a few probing questions such as "Do you have any fantasies?" Or "have you ever experimented?" Your response to those questions will determine whether he soldiers on or rushes you through the meal just in time for the big game. 

Proceed with caution. any indication of a liberal sexual disposition at this point will lead to the "I knew a guy" story. This is where he makes up a story about a guy he knew who's girlfriend suggested a threesome (of course).  The guy was totally shocked, but agreed to it. The guys girlfriend wanted to pick the third person (your man will emphasize this part as a key placement for later when he suggests that YOU can pick the third warm body) and everything was cool after (of course). 

Recommendation: Agree to the threesome. After all your man put a lot of hard work and planning into this set-up. 

Or

3. He's taking a boys trip to Vegas. You're not invited and yes there will be hookers, blow and the gambling away of all the money YOU thought was going to be used for your engagement ring. His delivery of this message will of course be packaged something like "My buddy has never been to Vegas. Don't worry babe, he's Mormon and not allowed to do any of the bad stuff." No he's not and yes they will. 

Recommendation: Have fun watching re-runs of Sex and The City with your ice cream and cats. 

     

Blogivation

blo·gi·va·tion
    • ˌblōgəˈvāSH(ə)n/
      noun
      1. the reason or reasons one has for blogging or believing they have the skills necessary to blog.
        "OMG girl! I finally dumped his ass. Men are pigs! I think I just found my blogivation"
        synonyms:braggadocios, egocentric, self-absorbed
        • the general desire or willingness of someone to brag about what they think they're better than everyone else at.
          "I potty trained Johnny in two hours. I wrote all about it in my blog. You should read it. Good luck though. See you at Cardio Barre"
          synonyms:housewife hobby